Well, the Easter season is behind us now, and if most churches followed the traditional path, you heard the awesome message of Jesus’ sacrifice for our sins and his resurrection so we can have eternal life with God, Jesus and all the believers who died before us. What an awesome, inspiring and comforting story that is! If your church service was anything like the one Pam and I experienced at Grace Church St. Louis, both the Good Friday service and yesterday’s celebration of His resurrection, you walked out of the service elevated to new heights and thanking God for his gift of grace. No doubt there is peace and serenity that comes from knowing and understanding our destiny as followers of Jesus Christ. A-men!
That sounds like an idyllic picture, doesn’t it…knowing our destiny; being filled with hope? And to top it off, it was a beautiful Easter Sunday. Every lawn, tree and flower was manicured for the occasion. The only problem with this glimpse of paradise is…I was stuck knee deep in the “wilderness”. And regardless of what I did; what I said; who I pretended to be, I was racked with fear, guilt, shame and remorse and could not – even with prayer – dig myself out of this pit. That state of worthlessness had actually prevailed throughout the past week. And what was the cause? I kept looking for, and praying about the cause, but I was getting NO answers. God and I seemed to be separated “as far and the east is from the west”, to use a familiar phrase.
Generally I’m a happy spirit. I love people; I enjoy life and when I tell people “I’m really good” or “I’m great”, I mean it! Now don’t get me wrong… I too have experienced my share of bumps along the way, but I’ve always bounced back with a new zest for life! But this one has me befuddled. I’ve asked myself more than once, “Where is God?” Why isn’t he answering my pleas for help?” HELP! But the radar screen is still blank.
My pattern in these situations usually starts off with a mild depression, but this one has progressed to a self-deprecating, self-loathing proportion. Last week I began a mini-course on End Times Prophecy. It is a fascinating class, luckily with an ingratiating instructor, and I enjoy the material, except we are moving fast. I had a busy schedule last week, so I haven’t spent much time digesting and codifying the information in my own mind to get it all compartmentalized and straightened out. However, at the end of the week I met a friend of mine, someone I really respect, and he asked me about the class. Unfortunately my hazy feedback was considerably less than stellar, but his input into the topic highlighted how much more he knew about the subject matter and how little I still know about it. Self-deprecating experience #1.
The previous week Pam and I hosted a group study at our house, and it was my turn to lead the group. I had a topic already prepared, but the afternoon of the study I decided to change the topic to something I recently heard from someone else. I thought it would be of interest to the group. I got distracted in the afternoon and really didn’t devote the usual preparation time, but I continued with my plan counting on an energized group discussion to carry us through. Ugh! That never really happened, but judging from the glances and the facial expressions, my ability to effectively lead that night was certainly called into question. Ouch! Self-deprecating experience #2.
Even in my counseling sessions this past week, I felt less than on-the-mark. Again, even though I prayed as I always do to ask God to keep me out of the way so he can effectively work through me, I felt less than adequate in that capacity. In fact, in one instance it came clear to me that I had faced and made the same decision a client and I had just discussed, that we just concluded was contrary to Biblical teaching. Ouch again! Self-deprecating experience #3.
I definitely can relate to Apostle Paul’s dilemma in Romans 7. I want to please God, but sometimes the more I pray and the harder I try, the greater the chasm between us. I don’t want to be where I am right now, but none-the-less, here I am and I seem to be paralyzed at the moment.
I started to write this blog last night. I went to bed about 8:45 pm and got up at 11:30 to begin writing on a completely different topic. To say the “well was dry” would be an understatement. About 3:30 am I returned to bed feeling exhausted and discouraged. Oh what a wretched man I am! But this time I wasn’t quoting Apostle Paul, I was talking about this worthless person lying in bed feeling a million miles away from anything. I lay awake for a while asking God to please give me the topic he wants me to write about. I thought I had it, but I was willing to admit that perhaps I missed His message to me.
I had a dream during my brief time slumber last night. I saw an image of a rock. I saw it first from a distance, but as I drew closer to it I realized there was a hole in the rock. The closer I got to the rock, the more I could see inside the hole, and I could make out a figure, more like a shadow, then the face of Jesus, as I visualize him, appeared then slowly disappeared.
When I awoke this morning, I remembered the dream, but as I thought about it, my first interpretation was, “of course Presgrave…you’re as dumb as a rock!” It’s embarrassing to say, but I entertained that thought for a while and rode it a little deeper into the pit. It wasn’t until I got back from my morning walk with Pam, Cliff and Glenn (our dogs) and sat down at the computer did I get some clarity. I didn’t turn on the lights in my office and I didn’t position myself in front of the computer. I just leaned back in the chair and once again asked God, “Please help me. I can’t get out of this quagmire without you. Oh yes, and about that dream??” David wrote in psalm 46:10, “just “be still and know that I am God”, so my intention was to put that verse into practice.
The rock represents Jesus Christ. As I got closer to it, the opening in the rock represented the opening in the cave (the rock) where Jesus was buried. The shadow may have been an angel; it may have represented Jesus in the tomb, but the face of Jesus disappeared when he walked out of that tomb and conquered death. I believe that dream is the same message to me that I wrote about in a previous blog entitled, “Why Would I Accept Jesus?” I was telling my story of a return trip from Ohio to St. Louis when I was contemplating all the way from Columbus Ohio to Indiana the truth of what it means to accept Jesus as Lord of my life. Just before reaching Richmond, IN, I looked over to the south side of I70 at the beautiful wooded area and saw a clearing in the middle of nowhere with the biggest billboard I had ever seen proclaiming in crimson red, JESUS IS REAL. That was one of those ah-ha moments! I remember thinking out loud at the time, I get it God. I get it!
The same way Apostle Paul reached his clarity when he struggled with his humanness in Romans 7, 24-25, “Oh what a wretched man I am. Who will free me from this life that is dominated with sin? Thank God! The answer is Jesus Christ. I experienced once again today that same clarity in my own life. What made this experience a bondage breaker when the previous prayers seemed to get lost in space? Perhaps it was reaching a state of both brokenness and humility where admitting my short-comings, my doubts, and my fears might be of help to someone else. In the Book of James 1:2-4 we are told, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect…” We hear the same message in Romans 5: 3-4, “We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us – they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation. The truth is; our faith grows in our trials and tribulations
The fact is, all of us are human and are subject to all the temptations of this fallen world. Satan knows our weaknesses and he never misses an opportunity to show up and do everything in his power to ship-wreck our relationship with God. Apostle Paul has experienced it; I have experienced it; and I know everyone, regardless of who they are or what title they proclaim, has experienced it. As much as we don’t want to hear it, and as much as we certainly don’t want to experience it, it’s in our time of adversity that we grow in endurance and character. It takes whatever it takes to get out of that dark place, but we have choices. We can shake our fist at God and be angry; we can persecute ourselves; or we can turn to what we know to be the truth of God, which is: “Nothing can separate us from the love of God. Death can’t, and life can’t. The angels can’t and the demons can’t. Our fears for today and our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can’t keep God’s love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Jesus Christ”. (Romans 8:38-39) JESUS IS REAL! We can never hear that message too often! Thank you, Jesus!
May God bless you all.
Dan Presgrave (a.k.a. Pastor Dan)
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Thank you for taking time to reply. It is much appreciated.
May God Bless Ya…